10. Nothing is clean. Ever.
And why is everything sticky?! You finally scrubbed the weird goo off the kitchen chairs and turn around to find more of it smeared on the wall. What IS it?! And where did the floor of the playroom go? You swear it was there when you woke up this morning. Now it’s disappeared under a deluge of pretend food, puzzle pieces, and pants. Wait, whose pants?!
9. Someone is missing their pants.
It’s like a frat house around here. As if the fleece pants or leggings you dressed them in were SO uncomfortable that they couldn’t bear one more minute in them. So much so that they stripped to their soggy diaper and are now scootching it across the floor.
8. Something smells.
You’re not sure who. Or what. Or where. But something. is. rank. Please dear Lord, let me find it before it grows hair.
7. You negotiate daily with a terrorist.
Seriously, the FBI should call you for pointers. “The lid must be on. NO! It must be on upside down. NO! Not that way! Who cares if it won’t work, make it happen!” And bedtime? Forget about it. The barrage of demands coming from the tiny tyrant behind the bars of the crib is ridiculous. “My need a book! My need light on! My need my people fanky!” What is a people fanky?! Of course you don’t actually understand any of their demands because 1. They’re irrational and 2. They’re unintelligible. Which brings me to my next point…
6. You’re now bilingual.
If you were bummed that those high school Spanish lessons just didn’t pan out, never fear! You now speak toddler-ese. Words like “wawa” (water) and “dah-doo” (thank you) roll off your tongue so easily that you’ve been caught responding “dah-doo” at work when someone hands you a file or holds the door open for you. #facepalm
5. Eating? What’s that?
You have hard time recalling the last time you sat through an entire meal. Before meals start you develop a ninja-like-tactical-approach to how the next 30 minutes are going to go. Phase 1: After everyone else is served you oh-so-gingerly place the toddler’s plate on her booster tray. Oh, look. She took a bite! Nope, now she’s pitched it onto the floor. Phase 2: You try pushing her booster seat closer to the table. Maybe she wants to “join the family” instead of eating from her tray. Welp, there goes half the tablecloth and the entire contents of your older kid’s dinner plate. Phase 3: You break out the airplane spoon. It’s greeted with the tight-lipped-beet-red face only a mother could love. Except at this moment, you don’t. The toddler scoffs (or more like shrieks) in the face of your silly airplane. Phase 4: You break out the wine, leaving your own dinner plate untouched.
4. Your definition of “dressed” changes.
You’ve come to grips with the fact that princess shoes and superhero costumes are daily attire. Why bother having a closet full of clothes? He just wears the same ratty Superman cape everyday. And who cares about shoes? Because even in the dead of winter she refuses to leave the house in anything but Cinderella’s glass slippers.
3. Naptime is for Mommy.
No really, Mommy needs a nap. Not just a time when the toddler’s not awake, but a legit nap. She needs 20 minutes of rejuvenation because let’s face it, she didn’t sleep last night.
2. The interior of your car resembles the drop-off bin at Goodwill.
As far as the eye can see lie castoffs — a forgotten mitten, a trampled umbrella, scraps of paper, crumbs, more crumbs, and…wait. What’s that? Oh! Barbie’s crown! We’ve been looking for that thing everywhere.
1. You wouldn’t change any if it.
Because when you watch them climb onto the bus that first day of Kindergarten, or when they have their first “real” job and can’t make it home for Christmas, you will be longing for one more day with this sticky, pantless, terrorist.
So well written and oh so true!!!!!!
Haha, can’t get enough of the little buggers. Good thing they’re cute. 😉
Sounds like you when you and your sisters when you were little…it was fun for your mom and I. Treasured days in my heart!